This I hold on to

Sitting next to Micah, I watch him play. Left arm stretches, little fist in a ball. Right arm tucks in, fist in a ball. Little legs scrunch up to his tummy then he gives a mighty little kick. That surprises him and he looks for a moment like he might cry before he sticks out his tongue and gets distracted by a lock of my hair.

Then he flashes that smile. He really only started smiling the week before the accident. Big, beautiful, full body smiles that could make anyone smile back.

(The day after it happened, I sat holding him while tears streamed. He seemed so far away as he wiggled and stretched until he caught my eyes and he flashed that smile. It was like a single ray of sunshine beaming through the tempest in my soul. And even through tears, I smiled back.)

“I want to remember this,” I think to myself.

(Everything is in a fog. Nothing seems quite real. My thoughts are clouded, I can’t remember what I’m doing from one moment to the next and the simplest decisions overwhelm me. I remember bits and pieces from last week, but most of it is a blur.)

But babies grow quickly. And this I want to remember. So I sketch him out in my thoughts, look over every feature, close my eyes to recall his little face.

I smile. The small joy of playing with my baby pierces through the fog and the numbness. But that lets through the pain and my eyes begin to sting.

“Oh, Micah,” I say as I pick him up. “I hope I can still be a good mommy to you.”

“You are a good mommy!”

I hear the children say, almost in unison. My son sounds indignant, as if I insulted him personally. The tears begin to fall.

(Everyone says it gets easier. That time heals all wounds. That you learn how to move on. But when I hear these words, my heart says, “No.” Not that I don’t believe them. I do. But I don’t want it to get easier. I don’t want to move on. It doesn’t seem possible to simply go forward and leave my son behind. To allow the wounds to heal when his took his life.)

“I used to dance and sing and laugh with all of you. I just want the same for Micah.”

And I do. So I dry my tears, kiss his cheeks and hold his little hand. I still don’t know how to move forward from here . . . to laugh and dance and sing . . . but we still love. And for now, I cling to 1 Peter 4:8.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.


Interested in more from Life Led Homeschool? Sign up for my newsletter and receive updates right in your inbox!

Related posts:

Leave a Reply

64 Comments on "This I hold on to"

Notify of
avatar
Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Cataphatism
Guest

What does Micah – Jair mean?

(Who is like God? – He shines!)

And let God shine in your life because the darkness cannot overwhelm it. And remember 1 John 4:19:

“We love because he first loved us.”

Linda
Guest
Praying Psalm 30 for you this morning, Dana, I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me. You refused to let my enemies triumph over me. 2 O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you restored my health. 3 You brought me up from the grave,[a] O Lord. You kept me from falling into the pit of death. 4 Sing to the Lord, all you godly ones! Praise his holy name. 5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime! Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the… Read more »
Phyllis
Guest
All of us who have not gone through what you are going through cannot imagine how you are able to do what you are doing. You are strong because you lean on Him. Do not be too hard on yourself. Like your children say, you are a good mommy. Do not worry about that. Grief, I understand, is a long process. I am glad you are reaching out. As long as you reach out, we will all be here for you, even if it is just to listen and pray for you. Even if you don’t feel like reaching out,… Read more »
Tammy
Guest

Only moment by moment, Dana, which is actually how all life is to be lived. None of us are guaranteed beyond this very moment…..

Continuing to pray for you!

Blessings,
Tammy ~@~

Andrew Wetzel (@CircleReader)
Guest
That verse from John 1 (quoted by Cataphatism above) also gets translated this way: “And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.” Comprehended? Seems like a whole different thing from “the darkness cannot overwhelm it.” But a teacher once pointed out to me that the word actually means “to lay hold of something; to lay hold of so as to make one’s own, to obtain, attain to, to make one’s own, to take into one’s self, appropriate; to seize upon, take possession of; of evils – overtaking one; of the last day – overtaking the wicked… Read more »
Elena
Guest

Dana, you don’t want to go on because it’s not time to go on. It’s time to grieve. Honor that and just grieve as long and as hard as you need to. And then it will be time to move on. Still keeping you and your family in prayer. You have many many friends in the blogosphere who are doing the same.

Dawn Braddock
Guest

There is a quote that I heard once, I don’t remember where though but I’ve used it a lot when I need that extra bit of strength to get through tough times. I hope it begins to help you Dana and one day it will.

“Love is strong, lean on it, use it, it will bear the weight…”

Samantha
Guest

I have no words, I do have prayer.

Mari
Guest

I’m a stranger. You don’t know me. I found your blog through another blog. But my heart is aching for you. And I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you…all the time.

Lindsay Maddox
Guest

Beautiful.

The words you use are beautiful. You are an incredible mother. Your children can see it, we can all see it.

Thank you for this post and your openness. You have touched my heart.

Vanessa
Guest

Continuing to ache with you, pray for you, and hope that each day the Lord sends a ray of sunshine to help you heal. Love to you and your always-beautiful family.

Shellie Brown
Guest

Dana,
I found your blog through Heart of the Matter. I am praying for you and your family daily. Remember Phil. 4:13, you can do this with His strength. Cling to Him always…we are all praying for you and your Husband.
Thank you for sharing your posts.

Virginia
Guest

Dana,

I’m holding my baby, just few months older than Micah. When things are dark, his little warm body reminds me that I am not alone. Let him comfort you. He’s agift, and his little smiles can cut through that fog. But he won’t fail to thrive because you’re grieving. I have gone through very rough times and the other little people have often provided the giggles and funny faces and tickles that I could not. You hold him to you and love him, that’s all he needs.

jennster
Guest

heartbroken for your loss.. crying tears for you and your family. i can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling. i just wanted you to know that my thoughts, love, and light are with you during this time. i hope you, your husband, and all the kids will be okay this christmas. xoxo

Beth
Guest

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I wanted to pass along a blog of another mother who has walked this journey of grief also. http://www.lovinglaynee.blogspot.com/
Praying for you,
Beth

Miss Roxie
Guest
Grief comes likes waves in the ocean. Sometimes intense like a storm, sometimes softly lapping on the shore, but it comes … Allow it to flow through you and over you, go with it, and then let it go where it may, like your writing, or an extra hug for all of your children or your husband, or like baking cookies all day, or even soaking in the tub. You will change. You will get better. You will be molded into something stronger than you are right now. How precious things are in life will become much more clear to… Read more »
Misty
Guest

I don’t know you. I came across your website through a series of links, randomly followed during a moment of idleness at work. And I cried.

Thank you for showing me that it is possible to be faithful in pain. . . your family is in my prayers this Christmas

Susan
Guest
Dear Dana, You will never move on in the sense that you will forget Tiggy. You will never forget him, even for a moment. He will always be part of you, and more so as life goes on. You will remember him when you are old, just like it’s today. His memory will never fade to the point that he is not real. You will move on as your work for God continues. You have other children to care for, to distract you and bring you joy. You have a husband who loves and needs you. Did you ever read… Read more »
Renae
Guest

Love is so worth holding onto…It is the only everything.

I’m glad your children know that they have a good mommy. And I know you continue to be a good mother even in your grief. You teach them about the preciousness of life and how important each one of them is in your heart. Even as you mourn, you are thinking of the other precious souls in your care.

May you have grace for each step closer to Tiggy…for you are really not leaving him behind, but going forward to meet him again.

Billie
Guest

I was told about your blog by a mom friend. I am so sorry. I will be praying endlessly for you and your family. It is my prayer that you will find comfort in your faith, that you will allow yourself to fall apart and that God will give you the strength to breathe when you simply can’t.
May you find peace in the fact that Tiggy is playing in the arms of Jesus…and one day you will get to Heaven and you will RUN to him. May your heart be blessed today.